40 Has Arrived

Dear Sarah,

I have wanted to start writing you again because I miss you terribly.

I miss the morning drive conversations about the good things. Gardening, crafty goodness, new recipes, and most of all the daily conversation with one of my very dearest and loved friends.

I love my birthday scarf and get compliments on it daily. I wear it all the time and think of you.

Selfishly, I also wanted to start the blog again because I have so many thoughts about this new life and decade that I am embarking on. The changes in my life have been so life altering and rollercoaster-esque in the very best of ways. And I have learned a few things about the changes that I have made, and feared for so many years.

When I quit my job in May, I did so with the intention of “finding my happy”. I remember saying it over and over when I reached to explain  my very sudden, and seemingly rash, decision to leave a “secure” position and jump off the cliff into the unknown to all of my friends and family. (I did get the “what the hell is she doing?” look from the vast majority of my village)

The only thing that I knew, in that moment, was that I was feeling so numb and drone-like in that place in my life. And, I had finally come to the realization that I had been that way for YEARS. My internal spark, that thing that makes me who I am, was in real jeopardy of being extinguished. And that, quite honestly, fucking scared me to my core.

But, as I came to understand over the next few months, was that my career and title was not the real issue. It was a symptom of a much larger problem. And, as terrifying as it was, I allowed myself to delve into the feelings that I had been suppressing for way too long. And that, my friend, scared me even more.

I had this benchmark of turning 40. And what my life would be like if I started listening to that nagging voice in my head ( quite honestly, I think it may be more accurate to say it was my heart speaking to me). You know the one that says “You can have a better life than the one you have locked yourself into.” ? That one. The one that is so very easy to dismiss and suppress. The crazy notions that I could reshape my life into happiness. I leaped, with absolutely no safety net ( and a very resilient 9 year-old) , into the abyss.

And that abyss turned into joy. Pure, simplified joy.

I found a job that I absolutely love. I have created a home that is simple and filled with love. I have made new friends and am establishing roots in a community that I adore.

Not withstanding, it’s not all unicorns and rainbows over here. Nothing is perfect and I , as a recovering perfectionist, am learning to roll with the daily minutia that still triggers my “pissed off” button. But, in knowing that, I wake up every day in a state of contentment that had eluded me for so long.

All of this is to say, pretty simply, that my 40th year on this earth was not about getting “healthy” in the sense of weight loss or quitting smoking, or running more, or having good hair and great teeth.

It was about realigning my soul to embrace, and feel my way through,  this fleeting thing that is life.

And, sister, if this is what 40 is….. I have arrived.

~ E

This is my 40th Birthday photo.


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